Whelmed
by The Mishmosh Bird
Summary: "Yeah," You say. You swallow the rising bile, swallow your emotions. You stare at M'gann with that smile, lying to her until her expression clears. You keep smiling, "yeah, I'm totally whelmed." [Old title; A Lie and a Smile]


**Hello people,**

 **So I was in an emotional place and I just...ranted at myself. Hence the second person. And I swore. Swore a lot. Then I decided to shove everything onto ickle Robbie because I could and I'm evil. Obviously made adjustments. Things are blown out of proportion, major exaggerating, the usual. But you know how it is, you can't write something happy without being happy yourself and you can't write something sad without feeling genuinely sad.**

 **I suppose it's a good thing that I am an emotional person since I feel that all my writing ought to have some aspect of truth to them.**

 **Update: Nearly forgot to mention, this fic had been betaed by my close friend who has very coincidental initials, CPR and another close friend who I'm going to call E. If either of you two are reading this right now, you rock, and thanks for putting up with my over-emotional butt!**

 **Disclaimer; same as always**

 **Without further ado,**

 **A LIE AND A SMILE**

 ** _By The Mishmosh Bird_**

* * *

Your heart's being pulled in all directions. It's thin, spread tight like a drum skin. Your heartbeat the rhythm pounding against it; you're wondering how long it will last, how long before it rips open straight down the middle. Your eyes prickle at the corners, your throat stings and you're not sure why. And your heart's so tight that you feel like it would burst from you. You wonder if the sight and smell of blood painting the mirror would be satisfying.

Your chest twinges and it feels like your heart is twisting itself into sharp knots.

You're thirteen, you wuss. You're thirteen so pull your goddamn self together. Batman trained you better than this and you've been through worse. You remember it, clear as yesterday. You remember the cold knife that plunged into you and twisted, pain that had you clawing at your chest and your hair as you watch them falling, falling, falling. The salty tears you tasted on your tongue and blinded you as you watch the red from their uniforms bleed into the ground. The red got under your fingernails and there it stayed for days.

Your teammates, the parents, the world, they yelled at you today. They're yelling at you because you're a fuck up. They have tears in their eyes, you piece of shit. Don't you see that? Don't you see the fucking tears in their eyes? They just lost two fucking sons that day.

(The bones had splintered like your parents'. Exactly like that)

You have no right to get like this when they're the ones suffering. Your friends are injured, you moron and it's your fault. Stop making this about you.

Your heart still hurts, but it's just your head fucking with you.

You've been given a second chance, a chance to fly like you did when you were innocent. Fly away from the blood-stained ground. You're wasting it, you moron. What's your training worth when all you can do with it is let someone fall? When you're holding on tight but not tight enough and they slip through your fingers? When the fear in their eyes changed to resignation and you realized that your goddamn best wasn't goddamn good enough?

You're trembling now. Just slightly. No one is here to notice, thank god. You don't deserve sympathy. You don't deserve to feel this bad. Not when they were right to yell. You know you did everything possible and Batman's always telling you, again, and again and again that you can't save everyone but if your best wasn't good enough then you suck it up and make your best better. So get it through your thick skull already, Grayson. Tears don't save lives.

Wally won't be able to run for the next month. Kaldur's still in intensive care. M'gann has burns all along her back and up her right arm. Artemis isn't even at the Mountain, her mother wouldn't let her come, and Connor's in a Watchtower escape pod because he would die unless he got direct exposure to the sun. You stupid fuck up, being all dramatic when you got away with just two dislocated shoulders, rope burn and a scraped up knee.

They only yelled at you.

They only yelled.

Look at you, trembling, stiff movements, all jerky. Twitching fingers. Your stomach squeezing. God, you hope it doesn't turn into nausea. God, you hope you don't barf.

Tap, tap. Two knocks at the door. Timid.

You turned on one shoulder. You realize that your butt is cold from the tiles.

Tap, tap. You feel the vibration through your back.

"Robin? Are you still in there? The pizza's ready. You better come out before Wally eats it all," It's M'gann's voice. She said the words softly like she doesn't want you to bolt.

You fix a smile on your face before standing up and opening the door. Thank god you have your shades on.

"Sure thing, Miss M."

M'gann's face tightens. She must have sensed your emotions. She tries to console you.

"It's...not your fault. Earlier. You know that right? We were all wrung out from staying up all night. Please, I didn't mean to shout. And I'm sure Kaldur will recover, you know how tough he is. And-and Connor will be just fine after he gets some sun... Robin?"

You stay silent. Your face is frozen in that smile.

"Robin, are you alright?"

"Yeah," You say. You swallow the rising bile, swallow your emotions. You sare at M'gann with that smile, lying to her until her expression clears. She shouldn't worry about you when she's the one with second-degree burns. She shouldn't worry about you when Wally's right ankle is broken in three places and Artemis was in a coma last time the team saw her. You keep smiling, "Yeah, I'm totally whelmed."

* * *

 **Hehe. You guys are probably thinking that I ought to go see a psychiatrist now or something. Don't worry, I'm okay now, emotional turmoil over. Promise.**

 **Not sure if this should be in K or T... what do you guys think, should I change the rating?**

 **Thanks for reading and all reviews are loved.**

 **Peace,**

 **~Bird**

 _ **Edited February 19, 2017 11:16 am**_


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